


Silk Garters and Intestinal Gas

by Living_Free



Series: Slip and Slide [20]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batfamily, Bruce went to medical school, Crack, DaddyBats, Fluff, Gen, Harry Potter Cosplay, Humor, Puppy Love, everyone thinks he's dumb, god knows why, jason sleeps unrestricted, kon is a good country lad, so is kon, terry gets gas, tim in a garter, tim is hot for some good ol' country style lovin', timmy is a good uncle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 20:45:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17690570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: Tim is girding his loins,Terry is just being a baby.Kon believes in the power of pie,and Bruce's patience runs dry.





	Silk Garters and Intestinal Gas

It was still dark in Gotham City, and no one was stirring, not even a rogue. The Bats were all snug and tucked up in their beds, with little sugarplum faeries dancing around their heads. 

To be fair, though, only Dick would attract any kind of faeries. They would know better than to dance around Jason or Damian. 

It was at this hour, when the sun was just barely breaking over the horizon, that Tim Drake was wide awake, and putting the final touches on his Comic-Con outfit. He pulled on his black pantyhose and slipped his feet into glossy, black shoes. He stood, making sure that the pleats of his skirt were perfect, and admired his reflection in the mirror. 

Never had there been a more perfect cosplay of Hermione Granger. Emma Watson would be proud. 

Tim hiked his skirt up a couple of inches, so as to display a sliver of his red and gold garter. Then, he waited by the window for Kon to arrive and whisk him away under the cover of darkness, to a land where their wildest dreams could come true for a day. 

Then, of course, things went completely tits up. 

A strained wail rent the air, and Tim jumped in shock. His rapidly beating heart slowed when he realized that it was only Terry, probably crying for his milk. Tim went back to watching for Kon in the horizon, the baby's wails now a noise in the backdrop to Tim's vigil. 

Minutes ticked by, and dimly, Tim registered that Terry had not stopped crying. He could not, in good conscience, leave now. Not when his new nephew was clearly in pain. His mind made up, Tim pulled out his phone and texted Kon.

TIM-TAM: Terry's crying something bad, I can't go with you.

KON-BON: You want me to bring over some pie?

TIM-TAM: Why would I need pie??

KON-BON: Ma says everything is better with pie. Hang on, there's one in the oven. 

TIM-TAM: It's four in the morning.

KON-BON: And?

KON-BON: Hold on, I'm coming over. Tell Terry that Uncle Kon is coming to save the day. 

Tim nearly dropped his phone as Terry's wails suddenly increased in pitch and volume, and so roused the rest of the family. As Tim rushed down the hallway, he noted the rest of the familly coming out with dressing gowns thrown over their nightclothes, or panicked enough to forgo the gown, clothes, or the gown and clothes entirely.

God, why did Jason have to sleep in the nude?

But no one paid any regard to Jason as they squeezed into the nursery, where Dick and Wally were fretting over a tiny, red-faced, and clearly unhappy Terry.

"Oh, guys," Dick said, looking hassled, "you didn't have to come. He's just a bit colicky is all."

"Nonsense," Bruce said, and lifted Terry out of Dick's arms like he had any idea what to do when confronted with a crying baby. 

Jason, of course, voiced this very thought aloud, because questioning Bruce was his sacred duty.

Bruce looked mildly offended as he put Terry across his lap and gently rubbed his back. "I did not graduate medical school to be condescended to by my own children," he grumbled. 

"You went to medical school?" Stephanie asked, absolutely agog at this revelation. "You're an actual, qualified, medical doctor?"

"Yes, I am." Bruce looked up. "Stephanie, it's four in the morning, what are you doing here?"

"Er."

Luckily, Stephanie and Cassandra were spared answering as Terry squirmed and belched loudly. "There," Bruce said, satisfied. "He just had a bit of gas."

"BAAARRP."

"A lot of gas," Bruce remedied his statement, and handed Terry back to Dick.

"Bottle feeding is an art, Master Richard, Master Wallace," Alfred lectured. "We will work on this at a more acceptable hour. Now, let us go to- Master Kon?"

Kon had chosen that moment to fly in, clad in his own Ron Weasley cosplay, bearing the promised goods. "I've got pie," he said unnecessarily. In his thick accent, however, it sounded more alone the lines of, "Ah've gowt pah". Both Bruce and Damian flinched at this invasion of country-ness.

Bruce also noticed now that Tim was wearing a schoolgirl's outfit. "Timothy Wayne!" He hissed, so as not to startle the drowsy baby and ruin the family moment that Dick and Wally were having. "What were you and Kon-El about to get up to, young man!"

Tim squeaked. "We were going to go to Comic Con!"

Bruce scrutinized Tim's outfit. "Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley," he surmised. "And where, precisely, is Harry Potter?"

"Bart is playing Harry," Tim said. "We were going to meet up with him at the convention."

Bruce grunted, and then turned to Kon. "That still doesn't answer why you're here."

"Timmy texted me that y'all-"

"Please refrain from using contractions in my presence."

"-er, you all were having problems with the baby, so I brought over some pie," Kon said, holding his offering up. 

Bruce scrutinized Kon as though searching for his last brain cell. "You do realize," he said slowly, "that Terry has no teeth and is incapable of chewing."

"The pie's for the rest of you," Kon said, barely stopping himself from rolling his eyes. "Ma says that there ain't nothin' like a hearty pie to cure all o' your ills, and I figured that Dick and Wally might be tired with the new baby."

Bruce flinched as though physcially assaulted my the multiple contractions. "Yes, well," he said, backing away, "that is to say, thank you," he managed. "For thinking of us."

Kon beamed at Bruce, and the smile grew even wider when Dick relieved him of the pie and gave him a brilliant smile of his own. Tim sighed dreamily and latched onto his boyfriend's burly bicep. "That's just like Kon," he said, "always so kind and thinking of others."

For once, Bruce could say nothing to counter this. Despite his many reasons to disapprove of Tim's romantic inclinations, he could not deny that Kon was steadfast and had a sterling character. He attributed this to Ma Kent's upbringing, because his only other parental figure was Luthor, and Bruce was not a man who saw the best in people. 

Alfred, however, was more than happy to accept good old country kindness. "Why, thank you Master Kon," he said, taking the pie. "Do pass on my thanks to your mother, lovely lady that she is."

Kon beamed and stood a little straighter. "Of course, Alfred, sir."

As Kon was drawn into conversation with Dick, Alfred gently touched Tim's elbow. "That is a fine young man that you have there, Master Timothy. I admire your sense of judgement. Isn't that right, Master Bruce?"

Bruce looked as though he would rather swallow a lemon, but nodded. "Kon is...decent. He's good to you, and that's what matters."

Tim smiled and made to turn back to Kon, only to be held back with Bruce snagging his elbow. "But tell me Tim," he said with false easiness, "which book was it that Hermione wore a golden garter that read 'kiss me daddy'?"

Tim gave a muted scream and tugged the hem of his skirt down, too late. "Bruce!"

Bruce smiled like the devil himself had taken possession of his body, down at poor, cowering, Tim. "All skirts will reach knee length," he declared archly. "Any and all garters will be plain, black silk. Is that clear, Timothy?"

"This is a tyrrany!" Tim squealed. 

"This is a tyranny, dad," Bruce corrected. "Hop to it, son, you need to make some modifications if you want to reach Comic Con on time."

Tim startled. "Y-you're letting me go? With Kon? Alone?"

Bruce stared at him. "Of course not. I'm coming with you."

Tim gulped. What had he gotten himself into now?

***

"Oh my god."

"I know, right?"

Whispers flooded the Wayne-Kent-Allen group as they walked past the other cosplayers at Comic Con.

"Why are Hermione and Harry holding Snape's hand?"

Bruce smiled viciously while Tim quailed in horror at his situation. Bruce, dressed as Snape, grinned like the evil sausage that he was. As punishment for attempting to break curfew and fly off with Kon, Tim was made to hold Bruce's hand as they entered the venue. 

When Bart heard, he looked like a hopeful lemming, bursting with the need for parental affection, so Bruce cautiously gave him his other hand to hold too. 

"Oh my god Karen, Ron is holding butch Rita Skeeter's hand!"

The crowd tittered as Kon and Clark - in a acid green, tight fighting minidress - went past, Kon urging Clark to 'please hurry up and end my pain'. 

"This was a great idea, Bruce," Clark said upon catching up to his friend. "I rarely get to spend time with Kon this way."

Tim groaned and made pleading eyes at Kon, who mouthed 'I'll save you' back to him. Bruce just grinned. "Thank you, Clark. In fact, we should do this more often. I'm actually opening up a MySpace account to bond with Tim."

Tim hung his head, wishing for the day to end. Secretly, he was looking forward to Bruce's internet presence, because he knew that he would become an instant meme. 

And if Tim was the one to start the viral trend? Then no one would be the wiser. 

With a smile, Tim relaxed into Bruce's hold and bided his time.


End file.
